To my Former Church

(Taking a short detour, today. Hope you don't mind ~Sera)

To Whom it May Concern:

I am Sera Wohldmann. I was initially born in the body of a boy, however, though I shall not be named, excepted to say that I was once K.C. Wohldmann. Shortly after my April birth in 1987, I received the Sacrament of Baptism at All Saints Catholic Church in St. Peters, Missouri, USA. I grew up in a devout family; we attended Mass every Sunday and Holy Day, no matter how small. The crucifix was prominently displayed in our home, and we often prayed together.

I learned to read a little earlier than my classmates, and the first book I read was a Children's Illustrated Bible. For my primary education, I attended All Saints Catholic Grade School from kindergarten through 8th grade. I received my Sacraments of Reconciliation and Communion in the 2nd grade, and was Confirmed in the 9th.

I never finished the 8th grade at All Saints, though. Here's why. Everyone knew there was something different about me. I was a girl in a boy's body, but they never saw that. They never listened. I knew that I couldn't trust people. I turned to role playing games to escape. There, I could at least play the part of a woman, and a strong one, at that. As an aside, my mother was the breadwinner at home, so perhaps that influenced my feminism as I grew up. I loved strong female role models, and still do.

I began to have my doubts on the church, but I continued to pray. Jesus could save me. The saints could pray for me. The Virgin Mother could bless me. But they could not shake the feeling that came from within me. I know now, why. There is only one explanation: God made me this way.

Of course! None of them could change that about me, because there is nothing wrong with me! As the years went on, and the feelings never changed, I knew it was my body that needed to change. Now, at 23, I have the body I want (mostly), and I love myself for once. And I love a woman, too.

Now, I ask you, once and former church of mine. When you see me on the streets with my fiancée, as we laugh, as we cry, as we live, as we survive. Just like any couple. We deeply love each other. How, then, can you not love that? For the LORD said, "This is my greatest commandment: Love thy neighbor as thyself." I do not hate. Why, then, do my former neighbors in the church say that I am flawed? That I do not receive God's love?

You say, "No, we love the sinner, we do not like the sin." But you cannot separate us like that. I will marry this woman. I will start a family with her. And we will continue to love. Even if you could separate us, I ask you: What is sinful about LOVE?

Cangene Plasma Center: No Trannies Allowed!

It comes as a surprise to very few friends of mine that, financially, things are very difficult lately. Many of my efforts to supplement my income and stay above water have fallen short in one way or another. This attempt was no different.

Back in my birth town of St. Peters, Missouri, there was a girl. A friend of mine, once upon a time, we'll just call her A. She was a hemophiliac, and as a result, it was no secret to me that she required various blood products when she had what would be to us only minor injuries. But I had heard that it was difficult to donate if you were in any way queer, so I had not given it any consideration.

A short week before my surgery trip, I was riding the LA Metro bus, I believe it was the 212 to Inglewood via Crenshaw, if I recall correctly, on my way to work. I saw an advertisement for Cangene Plasma Center. They were seeking new donors, and the programs were compensated. Elizabeth and I talked over the idea, but decided at the time that, as I was so close to my surgery, I shouldn't do anything that may compromise recovery. Not that I think it would have, but we wanted to be careful. All the same, I filed it away for future consideration.

Fast forward, then, to March 2nd, 2011. I had called the day before to schedule an appointment to donate. The questions they asked me over the phone did not disqualify me, so they asked me to come in. It was a very clean facility, and I was greeted by the front desk pharmacy technician, Kevin. He had me fill in the necessary preliminary paperwork to get the process started. One of the things they covered was HIV/AIDS material. Included in it was the FDA's warning: "No male that has ever had sexual contact with another male, even once, since 1977, is ever allowed to donate blood or blood products, including plasma." I heeded that warning, however homophobic and archaic it may be, but as I was not a male, I hoped it would not be an issue.

I filled out a computer based "risk history" questionnaire.  The only question I even answered in the positive related to various medications, and as I had taken Finasteride (Proscar) at the beginning of my hormone therapy, I answered yes. However, it also said that I had to be off the medicine for a month. I had not taken Finasteride in 11 months or so, so I was fine. I returned to my seat.

I was called for an entry interview by the on-site doctor. This is the part where it all about went to the Hells. He asked if I had been hospitalized for anything, including cosmetic surgery, in the past year. As I was in an examination room, I figured I would get a full examination, and it was likely they would notice that I had a cosmetically altered vagina. I told the truth.

"Yes, I had cosmetic surgery just 2 months ago," I replied.
"What procedure did you have?"
I blushed, hesitating a bit. "Male to Female realignment surgery."
The doctor began writing on a post-it note. He underlined MALE twice, very strongly. I was already quite uncomfortable. "Did you have the whole procedure, or just breasts?"
"I didn't have breast surgery, just vaginoplasty," I replied.
He seemed confused at this, but continued. "While you were...previously a male, had you ever had sex with a man?"
I knew where he was going with this. I could easily argue that, as my partners had been transwomen, that no, I had not, but I didn't volunteer that information. So I lied a little. "No, I did not."
That shocked him. "You never once, before your surgery, had sex with a man?"
"No, doctor, I did not," I said, shifting uncomfortably in my seat.  "You seem surprised? It's not too impossible to believe. That IS my fiancée in the waiting room, after all."
"Now I'm confused, you say that's your 'fiancé,' right? That would be a guy?"
"No, my fiancée is a woman."
"A biological woman?"

I HATE THAT FUCKING WORD! Last I checked, I was just as biologically sound as anyone else. "Yes," I said anyways. Also a bit of a lie, but fuck they didn't need to know that. Besides, I should argue that he meant, "cisgender," anyways. What should it matter? I was clean, perfectly healthy, and I'm here to do you a fucking favor!

I was dismissed back to the waiting room for a short while. Elizabeth could tell something had happened, and asked if it was okay. "I'll tell you later." I knew I couldn't say anything where it was within staff earshot. I wanted to finish this process first and avoid unnecessary controversy. I wouldn't get the chance. I was called back into the exam room 5 minutes later.

"Unfortunately, Ms. Wohldmann, we have a bit of a problem. You see, our system tested you on the 'female' questionnaire," the doctor began.
"As I am female, this would be correct," I pointed out.
"Yes and also no. Because you had a history as a male, some of those questions are not accurate. They don't cover everything."
"Sounds like a problem with the system, not my health."
"Well, we can't go back and test you on the male system, as well, because we're not designed for that."
"Again, that sounds like a problem with your system."
"The questions are all from the FDA guidelines, and we can't change them."
"I'm not asking you to change the questions, just to realize that it's a bit absurd to think that, with all of the mutations you, as a doctor, should be aware of, that there are more than 2 classifiable sexes, correct? What if I had been intersex? What would you do, then?"
"Believe me, miss, I actually have dealt with that," he replied. Funny, though, that he didn't say what he did. He probably turned hir away for no reason, like I felt was about to happen to me. "Also, you're not the first person to go through this process, but it's a little different for you. I don't know if it's just LA, or what, but we've had this happen before. You're just the first one to have gone through the full surgery. And that changes things."
"Well, consider also, that one of the bigger transgender clubs in the city is right here in Van Nuys," I pointed out.
"I didn't know, that, but that would probably explain it. Anyways, for most people like this, we can just register them as males, as they legally are, and there is no problem. The problem is, that you had several years as a male, and now you're female, legally. We have no way to categorize this."
"So, what you're saying, is that you have a perfectly healthy donor sitting right in front of you, and because of your archaic system, you're going to turn away a willing donor?"
"I'm sorry, but that's all I can do."

I explained at this point that I was an activist, and that I was aware there were constraints on some things related to blood and plasma donations, but that there was absolutely no evidence that this was going to be an issue. No one talks about it. So, of course I'm going to try. I'm running out of options for supplementing my income, why wouldn't I try? I didn't tell him that part. Instead, I related the story of A to him. My heart may not have been in the most selfless of places, but he didn't need to know that. Most of the people in that room only did it for the money, anyways, I would be no different. He showed me out to the waiting room again. As I approached Elizabeth, still reading the magazine, I mouthed, "Let's go." We walked out the front door. But not before I departed a single-fingered salute towards Cangene Plasma Center, 14435 Sherman Way, Van Nuys, CA.

Mixed News

Yesterday I had my appointment with Dr. Deutsch at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center in Hollywood. It was a pretty lengthy stay there, for several reasons. And the results were a mixed bag.

Regarding the actual checkup, it appeared that any infection I may have had is gone. The ointment treatments seem to have worked, and to be safe, she recommended keeping them up for a little while longer. However, she did have one thing to say regarding the blood drainage I'm still having from my labia. She said she was not entirely sure, but that it appeared that I may have broken a stitch early after all, and that some of the draining is from that exposed area. She wants to double check with the surgeon, and took a picture to send in for additional information. She believes that may be why my clitoris seems undefined still at this time. Elizabeth had been thinking this as well, but didn't want to alarm me. Dr. Deutsch said that a corrective surgery may be necessary. I hope not, I still haven't paid off the last one, and it may be awhile before I do.

At the end, she noted that I still had some labs to do that I forgot to do last time. Well, since I was unsure of where to go and nobody told me last time, I had just gone home. Whoops, apparently. So, I went to the lobby to wait. And wait I did. Somewhere along the way, they lost my labs paperwork for about a half hour or so, but I finally got it. While waiting, Elizabeth got some paperwork started to try and get into Dr. Deutsch's care as well. They initially charged me a separate $11 for my labs. When I got my receipt, I had "male" in bold print sticking out of the top of the form. I got kinda pissed at that, so I brought it up to the receptionist while I was further waiting for the lab to actually call me inside.

I had some blood drawn and went back to the lobby. Apparently while there, I had been called back up. Turns out that they made a mistake, as my labs were covered by my insurance plan. They also wanted me to wait and talk to the supervisor regarding the gender label at the top of the form. After getting my refund, Elizabeth and I went into the supervisor's office.

Lisa is a very kind soul, though this would be the first time I had spoken much to her. She explained that, upon reviewing my forms, the lady who had done my financial screening forms had missed some parts altogether and fudged one, leaving me with a "male" marker. This was a major no-no, and it was fixed. Also, Lisa showed us a change they had made to their system.

Several months ago, shortly after Elizabeth and I first met, we went to the center to get HIV/STI testing at the Center. While I had no issues, they had blatantly fucked up her name, using her male name even though they knew her preferred name, and loudly, too. Shocking treatment for an LGBT services center, and leaving a sour taste in both our mouths. When I went to Dr. Deutsch the first time, I let her know exactly what had transpired that day.

Fast forward back to Thursday. The change that Lisa showed us was directly because of my report. She programmed a popup throughout the system that shows the preferred pronoun and name of any patient as necessary. We felt a lot better that we saw the action taken. While there, Lisa also went ahead and did Elizabeth's financial screening instead of waiting for Friday, since we had been pretty inconvenienced already by the error on my part. Even though mistakes were being made, I felt a lot better knowing that at least they were being handled. I reminded myself that the gender services were actually a rather new part of the Center's facilities, and that hiccups can be expected. With that in mind, the actions taken eased my mind somewhat. Knowing also that Elizabeth's name change was only 3 weeks away, something we are both very excited for, Lisa went ahead and updated the profile in their system with the new information anyway, saving us one step in the grand process of things. That was very nice of her.

Finally, we went downstairs for a prescription refill. Since I had never been to the center's pharmacy, it took another minute to process. When it was all done, I wasn't charged for my month of progesterone! I felt pretty good about that. Cash is very tight still, and every little bit helps. Things will get better, soon, I know. Patience, however, is not one of this Taurus' stronger attributes, however.

Love!

I'll let the following two images explain what happened Wednesday night:

I decided that when I made this step, I was going to do it somewhere that meant something to both of us. There were probably several options for that, actually. However, we met at the transgender dance night at the Oxwood Inn in Van Nuys, and I knew that would be a perfect venue.

First off, for the record, while I popped the question to her in public, in private, she had already asked it of me. On top of that, we bought the rings together. So in a way tradition was fudged a little bit. Then again, it's still a marriage of two women, so, I suppose some "traditions" are already out the window.

Still, I wanted it to be perfect. We both decided that, maybe just once, we were going to go dressed up a little more than usual. Both of us tend to go with moderate tops and jeans, as that's more fitting of the "dive bar" environment, and for some reason, that's considered unusual. I have my theories on why, but that's for another post.

Yeah, we goth'd it up a bit. I even went all out with my platform heel boots, not that I need any more height than I have. We matched up as best we could, and I think we both looked beautiful. It was a bit quiet at the club, but then again, the mid week nights often are. That's okay. There was still the midnight show, though I wasn't sure what it was yet.

Still, I had made some preparations. I sent an e-mail to the MC of the club asking to borrow the mic around midnight. However, the date changed at the last second! I initially was going to do this on Thursday, but then the rehearsals (see previous post) came up. And the MC didn't get my last e-mail, the one saying I wanted to move to Wednesday AND explained what I was going to do. So, I looked a little suspicious walking up and talking to her about it before hand. Oh well.

At midnight, there was the performing act, a Lady Gaga impersonation/lip sync. After her two songs, the MC asked me up to the stage, as I was wanting her to do. She said that she wasn't sure what, but she let me take over. Gods was I nervous - apparently while Jäger can be a great way to calm down, a couple of JägerBOMBs, not so much. I forget what I said. I remember saying my name, and mentioning that I once met someone very special at that club. And I called her, "Ms. Elizabeth ****" to the stage.

"I remember the day you walked in the room in front of me...the day we met. And I knew that you were someone very special. And with each passing day, I knew more and more how much I love you." I got down on one knee.
Cries of, "Is this really happening?" rang out from the background among the gasps. I produced the rings.
"Elizabeth...will you marry me?"
She took the microphone from my hand after a short pause. Her voice was wavering just a little as she held back tears. And I believe she said, "Unabashedly, unequivocally, and unmistakably YES!" (She didn't hold the mic very close, but that's okay).

We embraced on that stage for a moment as I gave up the microphone. The MC was shocked! Because she never got my e-mail, she didn't know what was happening until it did. For that matter, the same with the photographer, who still did her best getting as many tender shots as she could. It was the transgender club's first ever proposal. And above all else, it was our night.

We ended up back home within a few short hours. We fell asleep in each other's arms, like we often do. And from that day, we have not held back telling the world, "Yes, that is my fiancée." I can't wait to call her my wife. It may be a long engagement, as there is much to do, both legally and otherwise, to make this wedding perfect. But when we do, it will replace that night as the greatest night of our lives.

A Day Narrative

Trying out something different. Let me know what you think! ~Sera


Hmm, I dunno what to think. Everything I read keeps telling me this could be dangerous. I'm in a foreign country. Can I even talk to the girls? I know it'd be cool to hang with the local tgirls...would it be worth it? Or would I just have to fend of skeezy guys all night? Gods, I miss Elizabeth. Wonder if she'd go with me, if she could.


I'm home. That's a long walk. Oh well, it's good for me. Wonder if Elizabeth is on? I hope so, I'll get to talk to her. Hope the new panties fit. I swear, I packed more. Oh well. Baby!!...


Shit, they don't fit. I guess I'll have to go back tomorrow. Hope I can figure out the exchange. Will it work? I gotta try. I love talkin' to my baby! I don't think I'm going anywhere tonight. I don't feel like it, anyway. Plus, I still don't know how I'd get back home. Oh well. I can go next week, anyways. Then I'll have my honey with me! And be back home where I have a way out, and at least a phone if something happens. Guess it's time for bed...



Okay, K's asleep. Gotta do my cleaning before I crash. Let's see, mirror. Wow, it's looking good. Better still, like it's been. I want to touch...gods, damnit, stop that! Can't fuck anything up down there. It is beautiful, though...fuck. Well, 'fuck' is kinda the problem, isn't it. I can do this. And I'll be home in a few days...


...Where am I? Why am I breathing so heavily? Why is it so hot? My pillow...it's not under my head anymore. No, it's between my legs. I'm grinding against it. Woah, that was a helluva dream. Shit...did I? No, I don't think I went that far. Probably shouldn't anyways...but if I went that far maybe I could...


DAMNIT!


Okay, show some control, girl. It's easy, just go back to sleep. I have an early appointment. Need sleep...


...On my way to the clinic. Hot shower felt good, breakfast was pretty good, too. Ann's at the door. She's the smart one on the nursing staff. Following her to the exam room. Ooh, the fun part. Wonder how many different ways they can poke me today. Doctor's here. He's great. My pants are off and my clam's in the air. Normally this could be a little degrading...unless Elizabeth were here. Then she could--damnit. Focus, here...


The doctor's explaining the dilating. I have to write this down, I'll never remember it. It's going in...woah, that's weird. Feels good, but a little strange, too. Well, I'm not really in the mood, right now. It'll be better then. Besides, I'm just holding it here. Not the same thing. Not nearly as much fun. Am I done yet? Okay, good. Now for another cleaning. The doctor wants me back on Thursday for one last touch up. Hm, I wonder how it'll look, now? It already looks damn good. Maybe he's mostly just taking out stitches? I'll find out. I trust him with my life. I kinda wonder if K wants to drop in the OR. Maybe? That'll probably be a little hard to do. But, the doctor still gets her the details. I have no idea what they're saying. It's cool, though.


I'm back at the hotel. My baby's on! Gods, I need this week to end. I need to be home, so I can hold her again. How many more days? Fly out in 4, it'll still feel like more. Honey...I love her so much...


Okay, time to fix the panty issue. I don't have enough for this trip to Pattaya tomorrow. And the sets from yesterday are too small. Grab them and head back to Robinson's. Cool, that was easy. I just paid the difference. K needs socks, so we head to menswear. Not that I'm surprised by that, by this point. It's actually kinda cool.


Lunch time. Mmm, curry. I start blabbing about restaurant work again. I kinda miss cooking. Anyways. We hit up the drugstore. There's a girl waiting by the door, she catches my eye. I'm not sure, why. Hmm, sunscreen. Do I even need it? As it is, I'm way paler than I should be. A couple days at a beach will be fun. Too bad I can't swim, yet. Hmm, what else do I need. Right, I don't want to run out of KY. Maybe I should make my way over to the lubes. That girl's right in front of that aisle. Wait a minute...the brow? The heavy makeup? I wonder...no, I shouldn't jump to conclusions. That wouldn't be nice.


Hmm, only 99 Baht for this one. No, wait, is that right? I can't tell, the fast-track is all fucked up and off centered. No, I think this is the "male desensitizer." Whoops, put that down, I don't need that. Another sales girl comes up to me. I think she's asking if I need help, but I don't speak Thai. No, wait, she pointed at me. The girl from before is laughing! She's laughing at me? Fuck, she read me. They both read me. Fuck, fuck fuck. Wait, if she read me, then was I right? Did I clock her? I dunno, I still don't speak Thai. Fuck it, I have enough for now. I'll be back later. What was I here for? Sunscreen? Wait, where's K? I do a full heelspin. She's checking out. That girl pointed again. Yeah, she read me. Fuck.

Heading home. I wonder how Elizabeth is doing? She might have cracked up at that scene. I think, I dunno. Gods I miss her...These are going to be some pretty hard days. I wanna go home. Just to be with her. I need her...

We're probably eating in tonight. Pizza Hut, for a change. Sounds good. Wonder if I can call Elizabeth again before she goes to bed. We're going to Pattaya very early tomorrow. If I miss her tonight, I may not get to her for a couple days. Maybe I can login in the morning. It'll be mid afternoon for her. Maybe she'll be home. I hope so. I miss her...

Day 10

First off, I'd like to apologize. I was hoping to get some pictures from today's events, but I, in all-too-typical fashion, forgot to charge the battery in my camera. Sorry about that. The only pictures taken were on K's disposable camera, so I may edit this post later if I can scan them in.

We had decided to take one of the hotel's offered partner sightseeing tours today. Originally, we thought it was going to be a charter bus like we had seen, but it wasn't until arriving in the lobby that we found out it was a private tour with a single English speaking tour guide and a driver. In the end, it worked out in our favor that way! Our guide was very sweet, if a little hyper at times.

En route to the first stop, we passed several interesting attractions, including the Parliament building, the UN building, and several other government offices like the Ministry of Defense. All very ornately done by our standards. Nearby, we saw several gold-painted shrine-like portraits of the King, much like we have so far seen throughout the city. I detect a strong, sincere reverence for the King here, and far be it from me to show disdain for a working government, however that may be. I'll leave the politics out of it. Let's just say that unlike many Americans, I wouldn't object to a monarchy if it were done right.

Also, our tour guide had asked us several basic questions, including what brought us to Thailand to begin with. I explained that I had originally come for plastic surgery. She told us she got her nose done (which I would not have been able to tell, it looked perfect already), and asked me what I had done. I told her, "sex change." She didn't seem to really pause at that, but she did ask about how long ago it was done. She had clearly seen the donut, and throughout the day, she would hold my hand if it appeared that I was slowing down, or just around stairs, etc. It was very nice of her; even if I really didn't need the help by that point, I still appreciated it.

Anyways, our destination for the day was the Grand Palace. Interestingly enough, there was a pretty strict dress code; both K and I were wearing shorts, and that was not up to par, so we were issued traditional wrap-style skirts. Now, I have no objection to skirts, even though I don't wear them very often...but I couldn't tell you the last time K had worn one (like many gender-nonconforming women, for that matter.) So it was a rather curious affair. Luckily, they issued me a purple one, which matched the trim on my shirt.

The temple grounds were incredibly beautiful. We stepped into the main building early on, which was the Temple of the Emerald Buddha. The smell of incense, the sounds of shuffled bare feet and a quiet reverence were all that pierced the air inside. We bowed for several minutes before stepping back outside.

Several other areas among the grounds were incredibly interesting, including the smaller chapels, the bellfry, and the walls engraved with pictoral tales of Buddhist myths and Thai legends. After a small restroom break, it was on to the palace itself.

The palace's main chamber housed a golden cradle and throne, with large, vaulted, and highly detailed ceilings. Again the rooms were hushed to a quiet murmur. And then there was the armory.

That was my geek out moment. I've believed, and often spoken, that you can see much of a culture by their weaponry. Polearms seemed to be the dominant choice; lances, pikes, tridents, and poleaxes were a large feature. They were often long enough to fight with on the backs of elephants; so we were told, elephants were a royal and revered creature. Their swords and daggers were not missing, either. Their main sword style seemed to be an interesting blend of Chinese, Japanese, and European (mostly French) styles. I even found a pair of spiked maces, which totally made my day.

We hopped back in the car real quick before dropping off again at Wat Po. The architecture here was more influenced by Chinese neighbors throughout the time, especially during the building of these structures under the reign of King Rama IV. The main temple housed the famous Reclining Buddha statue. HUGE! I think I saw it was at least 30-35 metres in length, all painted in gold. I participated in a little luck ritual in the temple. You start with a handful of 50 cent pieces. Along the (northern?) wall, are a long row of bowls. You walk along the wall, dropping one coin in each bowl until you reach the front of the temple again.

Wat Po was notably quieter than our previous stop. Probably why there were kittens everywhere, many of which were clearly of a Manx decent. K got a huge kick out of that,  including stopping to give some of her water to one of them that was relaxing in the shade. Such a cute scene.

We made our way back. Our tour guide was fantastic all day. At this point, as the conversation went along, we were talking about several of Thailand's draws as a country, and Bangkok as a city. I mentioned, truthfully, that many girls like me go there for this procedure, and that it's rather famously considered by many. At this, she asked me a question about the process. From what she told me, it appeared that she thought I was a girl all along, and that when I told her, "sex change," she thought that meant I was becoming a boy! Whoops! I guess that says something about my passing. I clarified for her. She was kind of embarrassed, but she was hardly hung up on the idea. So she asked if I had a boyfriend.  I told her, "No, I have a girlfriend." That actually was a bit more confusing, but after a minute she told me she understood. And I believed her. She handled the entire thing with the utmost of professionalism.

All in all, it was a lot of fun. Tomorrow I have a clinic appointment first thing, and after that, I just don't know what'll happen. Still, you'll know when I do.

Day 5

Wow, feels like today was a long one. Best start from the top, then...

Eventually I managed to get a sleeping pill that put me out pretty good, though it was at lest 03:30 by then. I was out pretty damn good, though, as I was still groggy when they woke me up and walked me to the OR at 08:00 sharp. At that point, the anesthesiologist greeted me with a "Good Morning" and a mask, and I was back on my ass. I woke up a good 3 hours after my 30 minute touch up. My packing and catheters were finally out and my leg mobility greatly improved. There was a minor issue with my IV coming dislodged, and I noticed it very quickly when I needed another round of painkillers. They removed the first one and put a new one in the other hand. Got a lot better after that.

They showed me my after-care regimen. It seems like a lot of steps until the swelling goes down, but I want the best result, so I'll keep it up. I can walk pretty well now, no dizziness, no walker, nothing like that.  Actually the only thing I have to wear is a good old fashioned sanitary napkin as the area drains. And by old fashioned I mean the kind that hook to an inner belt. I also am sitting on a hemorrhoid donut to keep pressure off.

All in all, it feels GREAT to have both the packing bulge and the "natural" bulge from before out of the picture. I go back to the clinic for a follow up visit on Monday. I have enough supplies until then. We'll see how the weekend goes :)

On the big day

Greetings from Bangkok, Thailand! These past few days have been incredibly exciting. I'm growing rather fond of the place, even though the language eludes me.

Because of how soon I was to go in for surgery after arriving, and I had instructions to be on a liquid diet for 48 hours, I brought some Slim-Fast cans with me on the flight. Even though there was nothing against it on the TSA's website, it flagged me and I had to get a pat down. I asked for a private screen. They took forever to find a second female officer. This second one was a bit ignorant, grunt level S/O. She sauntered towards me and said, "That don't look like no female. You sure that's a female?" Granted, I had a flat sport bra on and no face makeup, so maybe that was why, but damn that seemed rude. Especially since she asked her superior in a not-so-subordinate tone - the first woman that initially told me I was flagged was a Lead Officer (L/O).

Before the second S/O arrived, I told the L/O that I was trans, and that if she examined my genitals in the new standard fashion she would find them, well, "out of the ordinary." She confirmed whether or not I wanted a male or female examiner - I told her female as that is my true comfort level. She had no issue with that. The actual pat down was not as bad as I was expecting, actually. Which was good, as I was a bit sore from hormone withdrawal by that point. Still am, actually.

Well, no more issues on that leg. Shanghai was fun -we had clear customs twice in order to transfer to another flight, even in the same terminal :P I guess that's how it goes over there. We made it to Bangkok late - 130am by local time. And, of course, the immigration window was short staffed. We cleared customs 2 hours later! But my ride was still there and waiting, which was wonderful. They took us to the hotel, and we checked in without any issues.

Today, we went to the Bangkok Plastic Surgery clinic, where we met the surgeon, Dr. Pichet Rodchareon and his staff. Wonderful people! I felt instantly comfortable inside. I signed all the papers, and the doctor explained everything, with photos, that he was going to do. I had seen all that before in my research; Mom, on the other hand, was not as thrilled about it :P But we got it all done. It's now 20:02 local time (about 05:02 Pacific US) on 3 January. In the morning, we'll be checking out of the hotel for a couple days, then getting shuttled to the clinic at 08:00. After a bit of prep, I'll be in surgery. Less than 24 hours now! Think I should say some kinda weird eulogy for "them?" :P I'll keep you guys posted with more details as they go.

On the option of surgery

Those around me are well aware that I have a small handful of days before I board an airplane to Thailand. While there, I am going to achieve what is, for me, a milestone in my transition: Gender Realignment Surgery.

Among the transgender/transexual community, surgery has many different thoughts and ideas. No one of these ideas is, nor should be, the be-all, end-all idea that rules over the entire spectrum that we call trans. Simply put, as I think I've touched on below, everyone has different ideas of what their transition will encompass. For most, the common thread is that their idea of gender differs from the rigid gender idea bestowed upon the person by their biological sex. Past that, I think that gender becomes so different that if we imposed a universal "this is what transfolk must and will do to be trans" rule, we will hurt far more than we will harm.

From here on, I will speak mostly in "male to female" terms, as that is what I know best. Some transwomen want to be able to change their names and identities permanently so as to be constantly known by their new gender. Some do not, and are completely satisfied with just being women part of the time. Some transwomen want estrogen and progesterone hormones to assist in their physical and emotional appearance. Some don't. Some transwomen want to enlarge their breasts surgically, either with or without help from hormones. Some don't. Some want to enhance their facial appearance by surgically minimizing masculine features in a procedure we call FFS (Facial Feminisation Surgery). Some do not want this. And, of course, some want to modify their genitals for hormonal and/or sexual needs. Many do not. This is all important to realize when we talk about what the transgender community wants or expects. It would be horrendous to say that certain ideas should be applied across the board to all trans identified persons. That would cause far more damage to individual identities than it would help.

Speaking ONLY for myself, here is what I want. I wanted hormones; I got them. I wanted to be fully seen as female, or what many of us call "full time." So I changed my name and identification. And I wanted to modify my genitals by completely realigning my penis into a functional neovagina, permanently removing my testes in the process. Now, in a week, I will have that. At this moment in time, though, I do NOT want FFS! And I'm on the fence about my breasts; I actually rather like them, but would like them to be a bit larger. However, since I haven't been on hormones for very long, they may still grow to my satisfaction, so I can't say that I want augmentation at this time.

But that is just my story. Your mileage may vary.

On sexuality and gender binary...

This is a repost from a FB note I made today. It kinda kick started this whole idea, so I figured I'd make the old copypasta. Enjoy! ~Sera

It has not escaped my friends, nor myself, that the sexuality that I have ascribed to myself has appeared to have shifted in the past several months. I realize that, as many people, like myself, believe that sexuality is inborn, that that may appear hypocritical or even possibly damaging to our greater community. Yet I don't believe that to be the case. It takes many of us a great deal of time to reconcile WHAT our sexuality actually is to us, and many people find that process to take differing amounts of time, sometimes taking even longer than expected as they learn more and more about themselves. And is that not personal growth like any other?

Let me go over this is as great a detail as I can muster. Dealing first with my own gender, I realize that I am transgender, but mostly I see myself as a woman first and foremost. However, while I am not alone in my thoughts of this identity, that is not always the rule. In fact, many transfolk ascribe to the idea of being a separate gender altogether. The more that I explore gender in the world, the more I realize that there are clearly more than just 2 genders, and that this is so prominent in all cultures of the world that it is nigh impossible to deny such an existence. I would hesitate, though, to say that there are only 3, however. Because, as a transwoman, I find that I demand respect for my gender identity, so too must I respect the gender and identity of my peers in the trans community. If I cannot do that, I am being just as rude to them as others have been to me. For that, I am truly sorry if I have crossed the line.

Once we establish that gender has many forms, so, too, must we realize that our sexuality is more complicated than that. Let us take the classic example of the self-identified heterosexual transwoman "admirer," to use the mundane term. Far more times than not, these are men who are captivated by transwomen. Sometimes, this can be accompanied by a like for ciswomen, as well, but not always (remembering that the Latin prefix "cis-" is the opposite of "trans-," this usage is less offensive than other terms for non-transpersons). Some people are just only wired towards one attraction, others, to many. For many transwomen, this works out quite well if they are attracted to cismen. Both parties are satisfied, are they not? Do they harm others with their attractions, even if that is not an attraction attributed to others? No, I think they do not. Besides, that just is the way it is.

For myself. There has never been a doubt in my life that I am attracted to womanhood. Never have I even drawn a line between ciswomen and transwomen. The factor of the male has not really changed, just a matter of perception has changed. In my teen years, I was seen by many as feminine, though I did not present as such. I was seen to be a gay man. Truth of the matter was obviously far from it, but I did receive some romantic affections from men. In many ways, I craved this attention in any way I could get it, so I allowed it. And yet, I was not happy with it, at the same time. I can barely explain my own biology, but the truth became obvious; cisgender men were very rarely attractive to me. Thusly, I shed my omnisexual orientation in favor of simply calling myself a lesbian. And yet, my sexual encounters with ciswomen have, by chance, been nearly nonexistent. Is it fair, then, to call myself a lesbian? I think it is. My attractions are there, yet they have not come to fruition. I have been, at times, teased for having a transgender girlfriend. Surely that would imply that the "right dick would cure me." Don't think so. Been there, done that, don't see it happening. Does liking penetration, giving or receiving, instantly make me straight? Ask a cisgender lesbian if toy play has ever been used in her sex life. I bet you quickly realize that it's not so simple. So, too, is my correlation.

Then there is the transmale. I cannot erase the fact that find a certain beauty in that, as well. That would seem to complicate things, would it not? Perhaps, perhaps not. For that matter, true androgyny is also attractive. How, then, do I define my sexuality? Well, perhaps it is just simpler to say lesbian in day to day life, and worry about the specifics to those who really matter.

In closing, I guess the only simple way to define my sexuality is in two words: "Sorry, boys."

Introduction

Hello, all! If you've found your way over here, you may or may not know me very well, so here is an intro. I'm Sera Wohldmann, 23, living in Hollywood, CA. I'm a musician - bassist for heavy metal band God's Weapon as well as other assorted projects and session work. I'm also a transgender lesbian. I have a particular fondness for writing on these subjects, and I decided to start up an official blog. Some of my other, more private writings, will be folded into this blog as my whim's dictate. For now, we'll just see how it goes. Keep in touch, I love comments, because I am an attention whore :P