15 January, 2011

On love and absence

I want to start this out by saying that I've been wanting this for a long time, and that I'm so VERY happy I've made it. I also want to say that I'm recovering quite well; I catch myself staring at myself in the bathroom, admiring even how well this has gone for me. At first, when the bandages came off last Friday, I wasn't sure. It looked hideous, a pale and strange attempt and forming genitalia. I had to take a minute of studying myself to see even what was supposed to be what. And some of it had to be explained by the nurse. I had to remind myself that many surgeries don't resemble their final product at first, and the complex nature of this particular surgery. Now, with each passing day my labia and clitoris shrink as the swelling fade. I can see the finished product much better, though it may be several more weeks before I am healed completely. And I am so very happy.

That all said, this has been so incredibly hard. I fell in love - HARD - with the woman of my dreams right before my trip. We had grown so incredibly close to each other in that short amount of time, that I knew our separation would be a trying moment. We both stood there at the airport, crying for as many minutes as security would let her park the car in a loading zone, before we finally stepped out. "I love you," was the last thing we said to each other.

I'm grateful for technology. It's let me write this blog. It's also let me call and e-mail her whenever i can. Yet it has its limits. We still cannot touch each other...we cannot hold each other like we want to, to fall asleep in each others' arms. It has given us so much, and yet it's becoming very clear that these weeks are the longest weeks of our lives. And we still have one more.

I love you, Elizabeth. I love you more than I can put into words. Just a little more, baby. We're almost there. I'm almost home. And absence makes the heart grow fonder. Stay strong, my sweet.

1 comment:

  1. I miss you immensely, my love. My heart aches so very much, and there is a constant tightening grip inside my chest that becomes so strong at times, that I worry I may be experiencing a myocardial infarction, which, at my age is not completely unheard of.

    Yet, in my head I know that what you’re doing is right, and that it was about time. You’ve been through so much in your brave life and this step had been long overdue. I’m also proud of you, more than I could say. This would be true even if I had never had the honor of knowing you. It shows your courage and your determination, both of which are only two of the countless reasons upon which my undying love for you is based.

    The absence of you is, at times, unbearable... but not without cause. And what a cause it is, to see the look on your face, the confidence in your voice, forming a newfound radiance about you that is indescribable! You will very soon be back in my arms, with a confidence that multiplies your beauty, complete and whole.

    My heart may feel its pain keenly, but in my head I know that when you are soon with me again, all will be right with the world.

    As a writer, words are my tools, and I find my tools fail me where you are concerned. All I can say is that I am so proud of you and, the three simple words that express such a grand idea best, I love you!